When BFF's break up
Please help! I need some advice. I'm on the verge of tears. My daughter, 10, has been friends with this girl for about 10 weeks now. They became BFF's, as they call themselves. I wasn't exactly thrilled with this girl, as I found her very immature and clingly, but my daughter seemed happy and that's all that matters. This girl is an only child and would often threaten my daughter with "If you don't do ......, I won't be your friend anymore." This girl is also very close to her mother and would constantly say things like "My momma says I should be friends with other people too." This hurt my daughter's feelings but I agreed that the girls should be friends with several girls and not be so attached. This girl also said things like "you have to come over my house, you don't know what its like to be an only child". My parents were visiting from NJ and my daughter was in tears because she was afraid this girl wouldn't be her friend if she didn't go over even though her grandparents were visiting. I had to get on the phone and explain to the mom the situation and she said that her daughter would never have said such a thing. So we lived through and resolved all those situations. Until last Friday.... my daughter went to sleep over their house. I picked her up on Saturday and everyone acted like everything went well. Monday morning, this girl just dropped a sweatshirt my daughter left on her desk and walked away. My daughter said that she barely spoke to her all day and told other little girls she was mad at her. My daughter was so confused. I spoke to the mother Tuesday morning to see what happened. She said my daughter was bossy and only wanted her way during the sleepover and that "they couldn't wait for her to go home". I was so shocked that she would put it so bluntly but yes, my daughter can get bossy so I didn't deny this. I told her about the sweatshirt dropping and she said "........(name of girl) would never do that!!" Fine, I saw I wasn't going to get anywhere since she can see no fault in her own daughter, even thought I see plenty and really, really wanted to just come back and list all of her daughter's offenses that I witnessed but I held my tongue and agreed they should be friends with several girls besides each other. She then went on to say what good friends they were and how they love each other (which I thought was over the top) but fine. I went to see my daughter during her lunch hour because I knew this wasn't going to be a good day for her. She told me that this girl came to her and told her that she was rude and loud at her house and that "my momma said no more sleep overs with .....(my daughter's name). My daughter was very hurt and said she was sorry to which this girl replied, Sorry don't cut it. This girl has clung, already, to another little girl in the class and they are having a sleepover tonight which they had no trouble telling my daughter. My daughter is very hurt but keeping a stiff upper lip. I am trying to be calm in front of her but I feel a breakdown of tears coming on. I'm sure you all know how you feel when someone has hurt your child. Personally, I'm glad this kid and her two-faced mother will, hopefully, be out of our lives. Oh, please, if anyone has any advice to help me through this time and help me to help my daughter, I'd greatly appreciate it. How can we both develop a thicker skin and what should my daughter do?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Carole on -
It's hard when you're younger, and especially during childhood, but your daughter must totally ignore this girl, actually pretend she does not see her as she walks by. Really let the girl know that she no longer cares and move on. The girl is actually looking for a reaction from your daughter. Over time the hurt will dissipate and other better friends will be made. This is one of those life lessons. I found elementary school to be the most vicious, much more than middle or high school.
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Permalink Reply by seashell825 on
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Thank you Carole! I agree with you that the hurt will dissipate over time and that elementary school is so vicious. Thank you for your advice and input. Like so many things in life, it is all so much easier said than done, isn't it, but yes, in time, better friends will be made (I hope!!!) Thanks for your reply!
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Permalink Reply by jennifer dayton on
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I will tell you I had similar things happen to me when I was in school. The key is to keep supporting your daughter. Validate her feelings, let her know it's okay to be upset or mad or hurt. Encourage her to not loose hope. But, be very careful in your words. You want her to grow through this, but telling a 10 year old "I promise you'll live through this!" isn't always comforting for her to hear. Love on her, and talk with her about how she feels she can overcome this whole thing. Use stories she'll relate with like "I know you really liked this girl, but in a way she was unhealthy for you. Kind of like when a person eats a lot of cake. It's good while they are eating it, but too much, and they are sick afterwards. It might be good she is not speaking with you right now. It will give you both a break, and you can focus on other things." Help her see the end of the tunnel with out blinding her in the process. The good thing is, this will begin to prepare her for other things in life! (Which isn't always comforting to think of either!) You seem to be handling this situation very well, and I hope I may have helped a little!
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Permalink Reply by seashell825 on
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Thank you Jennifer! Your words are very encouraging and very helpful. I especially liked your analogy of eating lots of cake! Yes, it was an unhealthy (and that was a very good word for it) friendship to begin with and I am not sorry to see it end, I just wish it didn't end on such mean terms. I will choose my words carefully, as I don't want her to come out of this experience bitter. Isn't it a shame that we have all had to live through these things when we were young and now know that they were just preparation for what lies ahead. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and offer help. You have!
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Permalink Reply by Rachel on
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It sounds like you have already received good advice and I wish I had something more insightful to add. Just know that this too shall pass and they could very well be BFF's again before days end on Monday.
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Permalink Reply by seashell825 on
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Thanks Rachel! I appreciate your reply and you are right, this too shall pass. It's the passing that is difficult right now. Honestly, with a child like this that was so hurtful and un-Christian coupled with her mother encouraging such behavior, she isn't someone I want to be my daughter's "friend" or even acquaintance. I look forward to reading your other posts! Thanks again.
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Permalink Reply by Nancy Sluder on
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My daughters had a similar incident when they were in 5th grade with a girl who was their friend, then with not reason or explaination, she wasn't their friend anymore. My daughters are now and 9th grade and are just fine - so don't worry too much, this will pass with little effect. Anyway, at the time, I had my girls make a list of the traits they wanted in a friend. After they finished the list, we went over it and I asked them how many of those traits "Jane" had - not surprisingly, "Jane" didn't make the list. I talked to them about finding friends with whom they had more in common and who had more of the traits they were looking for. Ultimately, trying to hang on to friendship with someone who treats you badly is no friendship at all.
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Permalink Reply by seashell825 on
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Thanks so much!!!! Great Advice! I'm going to make that list with my daughter too. I think it will be eye opening in many ways for both of us. I really appreciate your insight!!!!!!
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